K. Alex Walker

National Bestselling Author of Romantic Fiction

In real life, I am very introverted. Borderline shy. I spend a lot of time in my head, and I’m very quiet. I used to be self-conscious about how quiet I am, but the more people I meet, the more I notice that people can be accepting.

I grew up in a very socially conservative family. As a child, red nail polish = whore. I remember thinking I wanted to wear red nail polish when I grew up only to subsequently feel guilt. I didn’t want to be a whore. Of course, at that time, I didn’t know what it meant but I knew it wasn’t anything good.

Which brings me to my topic: Pussy.

::cringe::

I don’t know what it is about that word. It’s not that I hate it. It’s just that, hearing it in my own voice, it’s followed by a squishy noise. I don’t believe I’ve ever said it with another person in the room (in my mirror, alone, as I slay dragons with my quick wit and sharp tongue, many times) and even writing it, I get flames going up and through my body.

Soft kitty, warm kitty…

On the flip side, I kinda love it. I love hearing it when it’s connected to baritone or asked in the form of a, ahem, question. But know that, each time I put it in a book, I have to step away and meditate for a few minutes until my face stops being flushed.

Meow.

So, what do you guys think? Is pussy a bad word?

Why is it that in the dark, even irrational stuff is crazy?

Like, I took off my glasses, noticed the bathroom door was open, went to close it but then saw a figure on the shelf. My first thought?

“How did a long-necked turtle get in my bathroom?”

It was a box flap. A…box…flap.

Jinkies.

The OG – Velma Dinkley

Life is really simple, but men insist on making it complicated. – Confucius

I’m sure he meant “men” in an all-encompassing way (as in mankind), but that’s not what I’m here to do today. Today, I have a question.

Guy texts girl. Girl texts guy.

Guy texts girl. Girl texts guy…girl texts guy. Guy texts back.

Girl texts guy…texts guy…texts guy.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Guy texts back.

Now, some of you out there have more patience than I do. I’m a runner so it’s not often I get to this point. But some of you are very open communicators. You are the ones who ask: “Are you interested in continuing this?” “Are you interested in pursuing anything with me?”

Guy: “Yes.”

 

So, girl continues to text guy. Guy continues to take 12 years to respond. Finally, she gives up and stops texting. Either 1) She never hears from him again or 2) She hears from him when he remembers she exists. A month later.

First of all, I can hear the men riding in on their chariots: “Women do this too!”

Yes, but we’re talking about guys right now.

I know I’m not the best person to even understand relationship advice because I need to take Dramamine just to say the word “commitment,” but if I find I’m doing this to a guy, I let him know I’m not interested in a romantic pursuit when I realize it.

Whether or not they believe me is a different story. One guy told me, eons ago when I was snatched and used to be able to pull dudes like…(okay, I have nothing), he thought by my telling him I wasn’t interested, it meant for him to try harder.

But if I’m interested interested in a guy? I tell him I am…and I find that taking a month to respond to a guy I’m interested in just doesn’t really happen.

Apparently, that’s not a good tactic. Men need to chase. And don’t get me wrong, I get that, but maybe I just like you. Some men out there have these beautiful smiles and nice bodies and they seduce you with their intellect…I’m not supposed to tell them I want to have their babies?

What else do I do with my time, then?

Do I really need a credit here, WordPress? I mean, we know who this is. With his beautiful a$$ smile.

Can we all just agree that this movie is terrible? The good kind of terrible? Like eating eight Lindor Lindt Sea Salt Milk Chocolate truffles in one day?

Of course, I’ve never known this to happen…

Seriously, go to Target right now and get them. This isn’t a sponsored post. However, Lindt, I’m open. I will sponsor the hell out of these.

But I LOVE this movie so. “Kiss Me” is going through my head right now.

I really hope that’s the song title.

Is there such a thing as a virtual movie night? How can we watch this together? Do you think you guys could handle another Pygmalion-esque plot? Maybe a novella?

“So, kiss me..”

::nahhhh-nah-na-nahhhh-nah-na-nahhhh-na-nah-nuhhh::

RIP Paul Walker xoxo

Pygmalion (1913) by George Bernard Shaw

This makes me feel like a perv.

I’m not talking about the spy on people and be weird and illegal kind. I mean, if I lived next to Chris Hemsworth, maybe I can see myself evolving into that.

I mean that I love sexual romantic tension. I love it in books, in shows, in movies. And then, it all builds up until you get to that first kiss and, “Yes! Yes!”

(I’m quoting those old Herbal Essences commercials. Get your mind out the gutter.)

I have no idea if I build this up in my books. My characters end up kissing pretty quickly. Some end up doing more. I think the characters of mine who took the longest to smooch are Roux and Ben in With A Kiss I Die.

But, for the hell of it, I went to YouTube and found a video of some awesome, long-awaited kisses so you guys can be Freaks Like Me.

Says the girl who sprints away from men faster than Chris Johnson can run 40 yards.

Some girls watch a lot of football. It’s me. I’m ‘some girls.’ Go Noles.

You guys know that I often every once-in-a-while post something others might construe as TMI. But, it’s my life. And as long as I’m not posting a picture of, “What is this on my right a$$ cheek,” I think I’m okay.

Today’s topic, aluminum-free deodorant.

I was strolling through one of my favourite places, Target, and came upon Dove aluminum-free deodorant. I’ve been wanting to go aluminum-free for a while now, and I love Dove, so this seemed like a really good segue into that world.

Now, I know why there is aluminum in deodorant. At least, in the broadest sense. It blocks sweat glands (hence, antiperspirant) and even reduces bacteria on the surface of the skin to control odor.

Odor. Let’s talk about odor.

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My day went as follows:

  1. I took my night shower.
  2. I finished up my daily business tasks, did some writing, did some reading.
  3. I went to bed.
  4. I woke up the next morning and did my morning rising ritual–yawn, contemplate life, stretch, and then get out of…

Screech, Brake, Braking, Text, Screech - Brake Screech Clipart (1042x340), Png Download

WTF?

I tried again. Yawn. Contemplate life. Stretch…

Then, the Pittsburgh Steelers ran into my bedroom.

And I don’t mean the Steelers before a game. I mean the Steelers after a game…where they lost…and Roethlisberger was sacked five times…and they played the Broncos…and Von Miller had the best game of his career.

I smelled like the outside of Burger King right after you let your window down at the drive-thru.

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If I’m going to wake up to liver and onions every morning, I would prefer it have body hair and a full beard (I had to add the full beard part or else we’d still be talking about me). I’d prefer it had testosterone to explain that smell. And a hard body. And a penis. (Ya’ll saw that coming. Don’t lie).

Now, I’m going to still continue using an aluminum-free deodorant because there might be some health benefits to it, inconclusive research or not, but I’ll be testing a few different brands. I’ve also added several exfoliating and detoxifying scrubs to my Amazon cart because bay-bay…this is some grown man sh*t.

I will never give another side hug.

I will never give another high-five.

Forget yoga.

Forget ever stretching again.

Here’s the Target link if y’all want to stink like me. We can start a club: The Limburger Ladies.

On today’s episode of Alex’s TMI Chronicles… *insert Law and Order sound*

Me: (staring at guy)

Him: “Hi.”

Me: “Oh! Hi. Sorry about that. You’re very attractive.”

Him: “Really?”

Me: “Yes, you’re lovely.” (Starts to walk away)

Him: “So…”

Me: (panics)

Him: “What’s your name?”

Me: (sweat) “Alex.”

Him: “You’re cute.”

Me: (hyperventilates) “Oh?”

Him: “Maybe we can get a cup of coff—“

Me: (Beats Usain Bolt’s record running away)

wHy aM i LiKe tHiS???

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I can flirt as long as it doesn’t go past flirting. Today, a guy approached me while I was out and about (probably because my hair’s currently not a Bird’s Nest of Doom & I have 2 brows again so…slayage), and instant nausea. I’m still sick. I may end up with ginger tea and Infinity War on Netflix tonight.

Seriously, Waterlily?

(Who got the Golden Girls reference?)

I want men to leave me alone, but then I want one for myself to hug, lick, bite, kiss, ignore, feed copious amounts of macaroni and cheese, and ask for a puppy for Christmas.

I am not this ambivalent with anything else in my life. And I think, even if I do allow myself to even speak to a guy, I have learned the code of what makes guys think girls are crazy…and then I become every single descriptor.

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My father was right when he said nobody would ever want me, ever again, after I left my first boyfriend.

(He had a whole baby on the way but…yeah. ‘My’ fault.)

Thing is, at this point, I can’t tell if I’m batting zero or one-thousand.

As an editor, I very often receive questions from authors/writers about always and never. Always and never really don’t have much of a role in creative writing. I mean, there are a few: Never write run-on sentences. Always distinguish which character is speaking.

But when it comes to formatting memories and flashbacks, it isn’t necessary to write an entire flashback in italics. Moreover, it is frowned upon. Think about what that looks like, reading an entire 20pgs of flashback…in italics.

Art should never be limited to strict parameters. (Look! Another one!)

Here’s more from Kristen Stieffel:

The difference between memory and flashback

“The last point of confusion has to do with defining a flashback. What you have is not a flashback. It’s a character memory. The character is thinking about what happened in the past—that information is his interior monologue.

A flashback is a fully formed scene set in an earlier time. So it should be typeset like any other scene. In fact, in the flashback, you would not set the dialogue in italics. You’d put it in quotation marks, just as in any other scene.”

To read more, click here.