“You cannot thrive in the same environment that hurt you.”
For a significant portion of my life, I thought there was something wrong with me. I have anxiety; that’s not a secret. So, sometimes, it makes sitting still a little bit of a challenge. My brain needs a high level of stimulation, at times, in order for me to be “satisfied.” Translate this to a structured working environment, and you get issues.
I had never really challenged myself, simply resigning myself to the idea of, “You would never be successful at that anyway.” But what I’ve learned is that most of us are no strangers to self doubt, even the most successful of us. It’s the price of being human.
I have never been a good “worker.” I’ve never been comfortable in an environment that I couldn’t structure, myself. As an employee, I often got fidgety, under-stimulated, bored out of my mind. This often translated to high levels of anxiety, depression, and discontent which affected my work performance. Last July, I made the leap into taking this writing thing full time. Into establishing an LLC and diving headfirst into full-time entrepreneurship.
And it really is damn difficult.
Comfort is something we often strive for. Our comfort zone is often the tightest of the concentric circles that make up our personal environment. Mine is lined with barbed wire, an electric fence, and lizards (because I’m terrified of them). Therefore, there are many days where this venture feels heavy, feels like a mistake. Like walking blindfolded through a maze with no true exit.
I love it, mistake or not, because I don’t walk around in a fog. I don’t have new health issues plaguing me every month. And, the number one reason? I do not spend time crying in the bathroom.
There are some things that are not quite perks. Right now, it’s the lack of a steady paycheck. The fear that one day, everything might crash. Also, because of your irregular income, you have to make some sacrifices. One of my biggest, for a multitude of reasons, has been moving back home.
There’s that saying: “Trust the process.” Sometimes, however, that process is difficult. I want things that I can’t have or handle while living here—a life, a guy in my life. I spend nearly every night on Zillow looking at the cutest little homes and wondering if, at any point, I will be able to have one of my own (since rent is ridic in Tampa). If all this “working with housing agencies” is for moot. If I’ll get that dog, finally, after twenty-five years of wanting one. If I’ll ever stop running from men, from relationships. Find a reason to stop running.
I said all this to say, you are not alone in your struggle. Yes, society has this focus on filters and contrived happiness. Snapshots of perfection. But, what I’ve learned is, behind it all, many of us are scared. We doubt ourselves. Our confidence wavers. In short, we are human yet oftentimes forget to be. Even worse, we vilify those who have the nerve to be.
I’ll keep fighting the good fight if you promise to do the same. Just don’t ever feel like, when things feel a little bleak, you’re alone in this. We are all together, you-me-he-she-they-them. Regardless of filter.